October 22, 2026

Our earliest relationships can shape the way we experience love, trust, and emotional closeness long after childhood. Through these relationships, we begin to develop an understanding of what it means to depend on someone, express our needs, and feel secure in the presence of another person.

Over time, these experiences can become familiar ways of relating. We may find ourselves seeking reassurance when a relationship feels uncertain, keeping our emotions to ourselves, or feeling caught between wanting closeness and fearing the vulnerability that comes with it. Often, these responses happen automatically, shaped by experiences that may be difficult to recognize in our day-to-day lives.

Attachment theory offers a framework for understanding these patterns and the role they play in our relationships. By exploring our attachment styles, we can begin to understand not only how we connect with others, but also the experiences and beliefs that influence the way we approach connection.

The Four Attachment Styles

Secure Attachment

Secure attachment develops when relationships provide a relatively consistent experience of safety, responsiveness, and emotional connection. Over time, this can foster a sense of trust in ourselves and in the people we care about.

In adult relationships, secure attachment often shows up as the ability to communicate openly, express needs, navigate conflict, and allow for both closeness and independence. There is a sense that connection can withstand moments of disagreement or uncertainty, and that relationships can offer a space for mutual support, vulnerability, and growth.

Anxious Attachment

Anxious attachment is often associated with a heightened sensitivity to changes in closeness and connection. When a relationship feels uncertain, someone with anxious tendencies may become preoccupied with understanding what has changed or whether the other person still feels invested.

This can show up as overthinking interactions, seeking reassurance, or prioritizing a partner’s feelings and needs while losing touch with one’s own. Underlying these patterns may be a deep desire for connection and a heightened awareness of the possibility of losing it.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidant attachment is often associated with a strong reliance on independence and self-sufficiency. Emotional vulnerability, depending on others, or navigating conversations about needs and feelings may feel unfamiliar or uncomfortable.

In relationships, this can look like creating distance during emotionally intense moments, focusing on practical solutions rather than emotional expression, or feeling a need for space when closeness increases. Independence may have become a familiar way of navigating relationships, particularly when emotional needs were not consistently met or welcomed in earlier experiences.

Disorganized Attachment

Disorganized attachment can involve conflicting responses to emotional closeness. A person may deeply want connection while also experiencing fear, uncertainty, or discomfort when intimacy develops.

This can create patterns of moving toward others for reassurance and then pulling away when vulnerability feels overwhelming. Disorganized attachment is often discussed in connection with early relationships in which a caregiver was also a source of fear or unpredictability. In adulthood, these experiences can contribute to complicated feelings around trust, intimacy, and emotional safety.

Developing a More Secure Relationship With Yourself and Others

Attachment styles offer a starting point for understanding our relational patterns, rather than a fixed definition of who we are. Our experiences, relationships, and ways of responding can evolve over time, creating opportunities to develop greater security and trust.

An important part of this process is becoming curious about the patterns that emerge when we feel emotionally vulnerable. We might begin to notice when we seek reassurance, distance ourselves from others, or struggle to express what we need. With time, we can explore what these responses have meant in our lives and how they may have developed.

In attachment-informed counselling, this exploration takes place with compassion and without blame. Together, we can begin to understand the experiences that shaped your relational blueprint, recognize patterns that may no longer serve you, and develop new ways of relating to yourself and others.

The goal is to cultivate a deeper sense of inner security and create space for relationships that feel balanced, safe, and meaningful. As we develop a better understanding of ourselves, we can begin to approach connection with greater awareness, communicate our needs more openly, and build relationships that align with the kind of life and love we want to experience.

I offer online counselling for women across British Columbia. If you’re curious about whether EMDR therapy is right for you, you’re welcome to book a session to explore working together in a safe and supportive space.